Truthful Stories: Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

The Girl With the Louding Voice, part 1

Early during the coronavirus pandemic my friend (and fellow therapist) Maggie and I were on a FaceTime friend date trying to decide on a book to read together while apart. It was (and definitely still is) social distancing time in Nashville, but friendship and reading and informal book-clubbing are priorities. When she suggested The Girl With the Louding Voice, by Abi Dare, I looked it up online. As soon as I saw the cover art (I know, I know. Don’t judge a book by its cover.), I was hooked. Yes. Based on the art and the title alone, I had the sense this novel is something special, and that proved to be true.

Summary

I fell in love with the main character from the start. Adduni is a 14-year-old Nigerian girl who knows so clearly that she wants to go to school and become a teacher and grow into a woman who has money enough take care of herself and to help her loved ones. We meet her three years to the day she’s been forced to stop school. “I tell you true,” she says, “the day I stop school and the day my mama was dead is the worst day of my life” (3).

Her father comes to her with what she knows to be more bad news. He opens by reminding her that her mother has died, leaving Adduni to wonder, “Why is he telling me something I have already know? Something that have cause a hole inside my heart and fill it with a block of pain that I am dragging with me to everywhere? How can I ever be forgetting … ?” (5) He goes on to tell her she will be sold as a bride to Morufu, whom she describes as “an old man taxi driver in our village with the face of a he-goat” (5) who has two wives and four children who have not been to school. She is curious what this means for her, why her father didn’t keep the promise he made to her mother, and what will become of her.

At this point, only 10 (of 300+) pages in, I was riveted. I wanted to hear more from Adduni. I won’t spoil the rest of her journey for other readers (please get this book and read it immediately), but will say that I was struck by theme after theme after theme that show up in my world as a counselor and a human (as if the two can be separated). The terror of poverty. Violence against women. Violence against black people and other people of color. Pregnancy, barrenness, life, death. The value of education. Fear and hope. Dreams. Voice. Commitment to self as much as (and not in exclusion of) commitment to other. The absurdity of prevailing “junk values” around power, wealth, individualism, privilege, and whiteness. There’s more to be said about each of these, but what stands out to me in this moment are some of the pieces that sustained her along her way in the face of enormous difficulties. We’ll look at the first today, and a few others in subsequent postings.

What Sustains Us: Growthful Connection to Others

The first is what Jean Baker Miller and other feminist theorists with whom she collaborated identified as “growth-fostering relationships.” In essence, these are relationships in which each person feels:

1. A greater sense of zest (or energy, or vitality)

2. An increased sense of self-worth

3. More clarity (a deeper knowing both of oneself and of the other)

4. Expanded productivity (ability and motivation to take action both in and outside of the relationship)

5. Desire for more connection (both with that person and with other people outside of that relationship).

Adduni’s growth-fostering relationships tend to be with other women, primarily her mother who has died. She holds her mother in her heart, calls her to mind, remembers her words and her actions, sings to her. And she does the same with others who come into her story, some for a season and some for longer. Start to finish, these are with her, and they are life-giving. She has energy, a sense of her worth and value, and the ability to take action in the direction of her wants.

Take a Look at Your Relationships

What about you? Who are the people with whom you currently spend the most time? What do you all do together? How do you feel with you’re with one another? How are you with each other? What do you notice? How do you feel when you’re apart from them? What do you notice? In these relationships, what catches your attention and energy?

When you compare what you’re aware of to the list of growth-fostering characteristics above, do they fit your relationships? If so, you’re on track — keep going; keep investing in these folks, and letting them invest in you! If not, that’s okay, too — you’re at a point of awareness with room to grow. It could be that you and some of your friends could cultivate these things with one another. If, however, you try and are met with immovable resistance or ridicule, then it may be time to do some relationship pruning.

And if you’re low on friends (this is an oh-so-common report I hear from women in their mid-twenties, thirties, and forties, who often wonder: “How can I make new friends?!?”), maybe even feeling rather isolated, you might start to think about how you could take a step or two toward someone or several someones of interest. One of my graduate school friends used to joke about “target friends,” which made me laugh but is also something I have carried as a useful frame for myself and for others. The idea is simple. Who do I see around me that I want to move closer toward, and how might I take a courageous step to do so? This could range from a text or comment on social media all the way to a casual conversation or more formal invitation to hang out — all are fair game here. The important thing is to take action, on repeat. It doesn’t happen overnight. Little by little, friendships grow.

Take a Step Toward Healthier Relationships

Connection is good for us. We need other people in our lives, and we especially need those who help us to grow. Adunni certainly had her people, and we can, too. I encourage you and me both to take steps today toward good people in our lives. What’s one thing you can do to move that direction right now? Consider, and then take action!

If you’d like to read more, part 2 and part 3 of this series will post in the weeks to come!

Occasional Gardener: Musings from a Nashville Therapist

I am an occasional gardener, and by occasional I mean almost never. More than a decade ago during my first true adventure in gardening, I discovered that knowing what will grow and being able to help keep it alive is a matter of trial, error, time, and effort. I quickly learned that plants involve sun, soil, water, and temperature—not to mention the bugs, weeds, and poison. (Ohhhhh the poisonous plants. Poison ivy. How can one plant be so mean?!?) A true novice, I had no clue what I was doing; I needed help. I needed more skills, knowledge, and faith than I could muster on my own. I needed someone to come alongside me.

What Grows in Nashville?

I turned to my dear friend Betsy, who loaned me all her best gardening books. (Confession: It took me years to return her books. A grave mistake from a bibliophile like me. Sorry, Betsy.) She told me what grows in Nashville. She made me memorize the last frost date for this region — April 15. And then when I was ready, she took me to Home Depot and showed me what I needed to use to amend the soil. She bought me plants and gardening tools; she brought me seedlings from her yard. Most importantly, she brought her shovel to my house, and together we dug out the rocks and the weeds rooted deep in the ground. We tended to the established plants that were already doing just fine, thank you very much. And with tender care, we placed bare hands into the soil and planted what would be new. When she left that day, I watered and watched with anticipation for signs of life and growth.

Shortly thereafter, life sprang from the ground. In seemingly no time at all, fiery orange and yellow marigolds and sky-high, golden sunflowers rose happily in my yard, speaking as clear as can be about the beauty of possibility and hope fulfilled. Through those hot, summer days my yard was alive with all sorts of good things, leaving me with smiles and sweet dreams of life beyond the fence. Flowers are magical that way.

Life changed, several times over, and I’m a little sad to report I did not keep up that garden. In fact I’ve not gardened in years, hence the occasional gardener label. Nevertheless, that first adventure has stayed with me. Its lessons remain.

In the Therapy Room

I think about gardening often when I am outside and when I am in the therapy room. Just as flowers push up from beneath the dirt, so growth often comes from underneath. I see my clients tending to that which is already doing fine, digging out the rocks and the weeds, planting new things, and waiting to see what will arise. Sometimes I come alongside them with a shovel and dig. Sometimes I plant seeds. Sometimes I share something I know about the acidity of the soil, or the way in which the sun will come over the yard in the afternoon. Sometimes I notice something unfamiliar or troublesome poking up from the dirt or hovering around the plants. Sometimes I jump up and down and say, “Look at what beautiful thing is emerging over there! Look what you have grown!” And sometimes, I wait with hope.

Is there something you’re hopeful for?

I’m a therapist in Nashville who works with women to cultivate all kinds of beautiful growth. If you’re interested to learn more about how I can help, please contact me.